So my new boyfriend and I recently started having sex. I was just getting used to having regular intercourse when he leaves for a three week vacation! He's been gone for one full week. I'm going crazy. At first it was fine. But then I was sitting on the couch and I imagine us doing it by the edge of it. And now I can't get the thought out of my mind.
People always talk about how much guys want to have sex. Yeah well the feeling is mutual. Plus, since he's been gone, I've put a lot of thought into being more expressive as to what I want in bed. I can't wait til he comes home and I can try out my new "don't worry what he thinks, do what you like" plan.
Friday, 5 October 2012
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
BAD Sex
I have had some pretty bad sex. And I don't mean sitting there and not really enjoying it. I mean painful, embarrassing, so stupid I swear it has never happened to anyone else in the world sex.
I am going to share these experiences now.
"I can always tell when you are about to cum"
The first guy I ever had consistent sex with (my 3 partner, we were both 15) sucked. He was terrible and what was worse was the fact he made no effort in the 8 months I slept with him to try and improve. It was so bad that I would just lay there and wait for it to be over- lucky for me, he would only last about 5 minutes. He would often say the most horrible thing a guy can say during sex: "Are you going to cum?" I wouldn't want to prolong the process any longer so when he would ask this, I would begin my very theatrical performance of faking an orgasm (I only had one real one in the entire 8 months). Afterwards he would smile and say "I can always tell when you are about to cum."
Pain Mistaken for Pleasure
I had just started having sex with this guy. I was only 16. If you think I can be shy now, imagine how much worse it was back then. When he would go down on me - an improvement from the guy before who never even made the attempt - he would flick my clitoris with his tongue. Everybody is different, however, for me this was MUCH too intense. Like I wanted to cry. But I was too afraid to say anything so he would keep doing it. It got to be so bad that my legs would literally be trembling in pain. The one day he said to me "Wow you must really be enjoying yourself. I mean, your legs are shaking it's so good." Oh crap.
Luckily, I stayed with this guy for almost 2 years and he improved at around the 3 month mark which left me with many months of good oral sex. But I will never forget the electric shock torture I was forced to endure.
I am going to share these experiences now.
"I can always tell when you are about to cum"
The first guy I ever had consistent sex with (my 3 partner, we were both 15) sucked. He was terrible and what was worse was the fact he made no effort in the 8 months I slept with him to try and improve. It was so bad that I would just lay there and wait for it to be over- lucky for me, he would only last about 5 minutes. He would often say the most horrible thing a guy can say during sex: "Are you going to cum?" I wouldn't want to prolong the process any longer so when he would ask this, I would begin my very theatrical performance of faking an orgasm (I only had one real one in the entire 8 months). Afterwards he would smile and say "I can always tell when you are about to cum."
Pain Mistaken for Pleasure
I had just started having sex with this guy. I was only 16. If you think I can be shy now, imagine how much worse it was back then. When he would go down on me - an improvement from the guy before who never even made the attempt - he would flick my clitoris with his tongue. Everybody is different, however, for me this was MUCH too intense. Like I wanted to cry. But I was too afraid to say anything so he would keep doing it. It got to be so bad that my legs would literally be trembling in pain. The one day he said to me "Wow you must really be enjoying yourself. I mean, your legs are shaking it's so good." Oh crap.
Luckily, I stayed with this guy for almost 2 years and he improved at around the 3 month mark which left me with many months of good oral sex. But I will never forget the electric shock torture I was forced to endure.
Sleeping with Strangers
A lot of people will tell you they need a certain level of emotional intimacy in order to have a good sexual connection. This is not always the case.
After I have been with someone long enough to let them see me without makeup, on fat days, after I get back from the gym but before the shower, when I'm sick and coughing up mucus, etc etc etc, then I am able to be entirely open during sex.
However, in the beginning of a new relationship, one where I really like the person but we haven't been going out that long, I find it hard to open up. In fact, I find it easier to have sex with someone I hardly know or barely like than someone I really like but have only been dating for a couple of months. Maybe this is why I have so many meaningless flings.
The Fun of a Fling:
- It doesn't matter what you say or do in bed. If they don't like it, you'll never know because most times you don't stick around much longer than it takes to wiggle back into your clothes.
- You can be as selfish as you want. Hey, who are they to complain? They are getting random sex. The least they can do is shut up, enjoy it and let you do your thing.
- You can spend a lot less time worrying about what your body looks like and if they other person likes what they see. They should just be happy they get to see it at all.
- If something awkward does happen, end the fling. Just walk away from it and never think about that horrible incident again.
- Here I like to enforce the "if we have sex, we both get an orgasm" policy.
Dating and the Awkward Initial Sexual Encounters:
- You like this guy. You want him to like you too. It's not always easy to feel confident in your body, sexual ability and sexual preferences once you being to worry about what he thinks. It's worse that since you like him, what he thinks actually matters to you.
- You need to be less selfish and actually spend time making sure both people are happy.
- Since you are in a relationship, this implies you will be having sex many more times. This means you have to put in the time and effort to teach him what to do and explain what works well for you. For me this is always hard to do.
- Here, at least at first, I find it hard to communicate what I want and thus the mandatory orgasm policy goes out the window.
This blog is all about trying to be less intimidated by sex and learning to be open and enjoy the experience more. So I am going to propose and action plan to change the awkward new dating sex into the amazing I don't care because I won't see you in the morning (expect for in this case you will) variety.
How to Make Early Dating Sex Better:
1. Guide his hands- If you need clitoral stimulation, like many women do, and your guy is either not touching you at all or not touching you in exactly the right place, move his hand to where you want it and help him out.
2. If this doesn't work, stop whatever you are doing (don't feel bad- not your fault he's taking so long to catch on!) and show him what you want via a demo. Then let him try again. Don't continue the sex til he gets it.
3. Use the breathy request. This is when you pretend you are really into whatever is going on, so into it in fact that you mix breathing and moaning with talking and whisper what you want him to do. (Really you've been sitting there for 5 minutes thinking about how bad this is and how much you wish he'd do something else...but he doesn't need to know this). Because you seem so turned on and in the moment, he really has no choice but to oblige. He's not going to want to break your focus plus seeing you so turned on will turn him on. This means you don't have to worry he'll think that you giving him directions is code for he's doing it wrong (even though it is).
4. If this still doesn't work, talk to him about it. Explain what you want him to do. If you feel uncomfortable about it, tell him. I find that saying I feel stupid often makes me feel less stupid since it usually prompts the guy to reassure me and encourage me to be open.
After I have been with someone long enough to let them see me without makeup, on fat days, after I get back from the gym but before the shower, when I'm sick and coughing up mucus, etc etc etc, then I am able to be entirely open during sex.
However, in the beginning of a new relationship, one where I really like the person but we haven't been going out that long, I find it hard to open up. In fact, I find it easier to have sex with someone I hardly know or barely like than someone I really like but have only been dating for a couple of months. Maybe this is why I have so many meaningless flings.
The Fun of a Fling:
- It doesn't matter what you say or do in bed. If they don't like it, you'll never know because most times you don't stick around much longer than it takes to wiggle back into your clothes.
- You can be as selfish as you want. Hey, who are they to complain? They are getting random sex. The least they can do is shut up, enjoy it and let you do your thing.
- You can spend a lot less time worrying about what your body looks like and if they other person likes what they see. They should just be happy they get to see it at all.
- If something awkward does happen, end the fling. Just walk away from it and never think about that horrible incident again.
- Here I like to enforce the "if we have sex, we both get an orgasm" policy.
Dating and the Awkward Initial Sexual Encounters:
- You like this guy. You want him to like you too. It's not always easy to feel confident in your body, sexual ability and sexual preferences once you being to worry about what he thinks. It's worse that since you like him, what he thinks actually matters to you.
- You need to be less selfish and actually spend time making sure both people are happy.
- Since you are in a relationship, this implies you will be having sex many more times. This means you have to put in the time and effort to teach him what to do and explain what works well for you. For me this is always hard to do.
- Here, at least at first, I find it hard to communicate what I want and thus the mandatory orgasm policy goes out the window.
This blog is all about trying to be less intimidated by sex and learning to be open and enjoy the experience more. So I am going to propose and action plan to change the awkward new dating sex into the amazing I don't care because I won't see you in the morning (expect for in this case you will) variety.
How to Make Early Dating Sex Better:
1. Guide his hands- If you need clitoral stimulation, like many women do, and your guy is either not touching you at all or not touching you in exactly the right place, move his hand to where you want it and help him out.
2. If this doesn't work, stop whatever you are doing (don't feel bad- not your fault he's taking so long to catch on!) and show him what you want via a demo. Then let him try again. Don't continue the sex til he gets it.
3. Use the breathy request. This is when you pretend you are really into whatever is going on, so into it in fact that you mix breathing and moaning with talking and whisper what you want him to do. (Really you've been sitting there for 5 minutes thinking about how bad this is and how much you wish he'd do something else...but he doesn't need to know this). Because you seem so turned on and in the moment, he really has no choice but to oblige. He's not going to want to break your focus plus seeing you so turned on will turn him on. This means you don't have to worry he'll think that you giving him directions is code for he's doing it wrong (even though it is).
4. If this still doesn't work, talk to him about it. Explain what you want him to do. If you feel uncomfortable about it, tell him. I find that saying I feel stupid often makes me feel less stupid since it usually prompts the guy to reassure me and encourage me to be open.
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Sex appeal: a woman's job
Ever since I started to understand sex, I had the idea that it is the responsibility of the woman to seduce and please the man. Now I don't mean every single guy, all the time. But for the ones I was planning on having sex with, I felt like it was my job to make them happy. It never occurred to me, especially not when I first started having sex as a teenager that I had every right to enjoy the experience, too. I never thought to ask for different things or to say when something was bad. My sole role was to be good in bed for the sake of the guy who I was sharing with bed with.
This was my initial view on the woman's role in sex. I have no idea where it came from. Maybe the media. Maybe it was just the way things were at my school. I don't know how the idea started. But I do know what made it worse.
My first real boyfriend was a selfish jerk. One time we were having sex and he was pushing way too hard. It hurt like crazy but, because I wanted to "be good in bed" I shut my mouth and let it happen. Afterwards, I mentioned that whatever he was doing hurt. My boyfriend's response? He CRIED! Like with tears because I hurt his feelings. Are you kidding me?! I was the one in physical pain and when I tell him that next time he should maybe not push quite as hard and he cries!
I can recognize that this is ridiculously unfair. However, I am still scarred by that. I very rarely tell someone that what they are doing hurts. Even though I can tell myself most guys will not react like that one guy did, I am still afraid of offending the person who is hurting me and thus I take it.
Even if what he's doing doesn't hurt, it may not be exactly right. For example, the clitoris is a hard spot to work with. Most guys know where it is but very few touch it the exact way you want the first time you are with them. And without your guidance, they will never learn. I know this. But I still feel afraid to correct them since it implies whatever they are currently doing is wrong.
Does anyone else ever feel this way? Please comment.
We need to be less concerned with doing what we think a guy wants us to do and just do what we actually want to do. Bottom line is the guy is having sex. Odds are he doesn't care what we are doing to ourselves or asking him to do to us. So fuck it. Literally!
This was my initial view on the woman's role in sex. I have no idea where it came from. Maybe the media. Maybe it was just the way things were at my school. I don't know how the idea started. But I do know what made it worse.
My first real boyfriend was a selfish jerk. One time we were having sex and he was pushing way too hard. It hurt like crazy but, because I wanted to "be good in bed" I shut my mouth and let it happen. Afterwards, I mentioned that whatever he was doing hurt. My boyfriend's response? He CRIED! Like with tears because I hurt his feelings. Are you kidding me?! I was the one in physical pain and when I tell him that next time he should maybe not push quite as hard and he cries!
I can recognize that this is ridiculously unfair. However, I am still scarred by that. I very rarely tell someone that what they are doing hurts. Even though I can tell myself most guys will not react like that one guy did, I am still afraid of offending the person who is hurting me and thus I take it.
Even if what he's doing doesn't hurt, it may not be exactly right. For example, the clitoris is a hard spot to work with. Most guys know where it is but very few touch it the exact way you want the first time you are with them. And without your guidance, they will never learn. I know this. But I still feel afraid to correct them since it implies whatever they are currently doing is wrong.
Does anyone else ever feel this way? Please comment.
We need to be less concerned with doing what we think a guy wants us to do and just do what we actually want to do. Bottom line is the guy is having sex. Odds are he doesn't care what we are doing to ourselves or asking him to do to us. So fuck it. Literally!
Other people feel the same way
When I feel insecure about myself, it really helps to know other people feel insecure as well. That is why I decided to make this blog. The other day I was mopey because sex with my new boyfriend isn't at it's best yet. Let me clarify. He's good. I have problems I need to get over to help him become great. I went online looking for people who felt the same way as a confirmation I was normal which I found these videos. They were the inspiration for this blog. They made me realize as a woman, it is normal to like sex and to want it and to want it to be good. It's not the woman's goal to help the man enjoy sex. It's a woman's goal to be a part of a couple who can both benefit from the experience. It's a long journey to override issues I have had for many years, but I'm starting to change and I owe it all to these great ladies!
Go here for more on that channel.
Go here for more on that channel.
Spend a little time on me...in bed
Have you ever been going down on a guy and it seems like he's taking forever? I'm talking jaw cramps, neck cricks, about to choke on your own saliva for-ev-er. Do you stop? Of course not. Well maybe to proceed to other things. But if a blow job is the main event, most of us suck it up (literally) and keep going until our man is satisfied. Even if you are bored or uncomfortably positioned. I remember this one time I was giving a guy a blow job and he started thrusting into my face (which btw is not very fun for the person whose mouth it is you are fucking...so all you guys out there, please remember to be gentle). I didn't want my teeth to accidentally rub up against him. So what did I do? I used my lips to cover my teeth while he did this thing. I could literally taste blood when he was done because my lips had been cut by my own teeth. Awful, right? But did I stop? Nope. I let the guy do what he needed to do and suffered in silence until he was done.
No imagine the reverse. Your partner has been spending time working on you. It's been five minutes. You begin to wonder if you are taking a freakishly long time to finish. Now it's been ten minutes and all you can think about is how long you are taking to have your damn orgasm and how bored your partner must be. Have you ever faked it or just suggested to stop? Why is it okay to keep going and going and going when you are doing the work but when it's being done to you, women panic?
This has happened to me many times. I feel guilty that I am taking so long. Of course this feeling only makes the elusive orgasm even harder to achieve. I never thought about this until recently. It's so silly. My partner is doing something for my enjoyment. And I am sitting there trying to rush myself as though I'm on a time crunch, trying to make a deadline.
I am in a relatively new relationship. We have only been sexually active with one another for a few weeks. I've managed to reach orgasm twice. He however has gotten off every time. I have actually found myself apologizing for it. I even told him "don't feel bad, it doesn't happen every time." This is a lie- well at least a partial lie. I have never masterbated and not maganged to bring myself to orgasm therefore it is possible every single time. However, with someone else, I am not always able to have one.
I really like this guy and see a real future for the relationship. So why am I so quick to tell him to ignore my sexual needs? Wouldn't it be a better idea to teach him what I like, no matter how long it takes? Should I not just sit back and let him experiment until he learns my body?
And it's harder with females. For guys, you just have to touch the penis and they are happy. With women, everything is more complicated. So naturally it will take a man longer to learn how to please a woman than it took for that woman to learn how to please her guy. I know this. I can rationally tell myself he needs time learn and I need to teach him. But then I get into bed and suddenly I freeze up and feel guilty and find myself saying "It's just not going to happen tonight baby. Don't worry. Sometimes it's just like this."
Mission #1: Stop apologizing.
If you don't have an orgasm it's his fault, not yours. Instead, let him know what to do and keep trying.
Mission #2: Take my time.
It's a million times harder to enjoy myself if I feel pressed for time. This pressure comes from your own mind, not from the guy. So get over it. Don't worry about how long you take. Just enjoy the moment for however long you need. Don't feel guilty because it will be his turn next and you can pay him back for his hard work ;)
What are women told about sex?
Women like sex too.
Shocking, right? Well maybe not since I am sure many of you are either women who do in fact like sex, or men who have had sex with women who - hopefully- enjoyed the experience as well. But ladies, think back to when you were 13. What were you told about sex?
- Guys like sex. This is okay.
- Girls are supposed to say no when a guy asks for sex. Saying yes is usually not okay.
- Girls can say yes but only if they are in love and they've been dating the guy for like six months and they want to be with him forever and blah blah blah.
- If girls say yes too often, they are now a slut.
This is total crap of course, but this is the message kids receive. It's on TV, it's at school, it's pretty much everywhere. Now maybe you could say people tell girls not to have sex so they don't end up with an STI/pregnant/with their heart broken. Well first of all, why aren't boys being warned of the potential dangers of sex? And second, think of when you were young and you first started to masterbate. Yes, girls masterbate. Anyone who says she hasn't is lying. That's just the thing. Girls feel a sense of shame about masterbation. I remember feeling icky and dirty, like I was doing something wrong.
So it's not just about having sex. It's female sexuality in general that is seen as a negative. Maybe not by everyone, and maybe not forever. But I am willing to bet that every woman, at at least one point in her life, has felt guilty about having/liking sex- myself included. It was until recently that I began to wonder why and to really want to change that.
I always feel better when I know someone else feels the same way I do. Maybe someone reading this blog will feel better to know I am going through the same thing they are.
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